Tuesday, November 20, 2007

A Gold Digger or a Realist?

She's in love. She's been in love for less than a year, but nevertheless she's head over heels in love. Things are moving along and they've bonded together unlike any other relationship in the past. They've begin to talk about a future marriage and are excited about the prospect of being together for the rest of their life's. So being that emotions and ideals are developing at a rapid rate, they start to make dreams into reality and discuss pre-marital issues. Wedding plans, children, household chores, medical records, goals, passions, expectations, etc. Alls going according to plan until they get to the issue of money. With the market being as poor as it is, his income is hit in a severe way and payments aren't being made. His credit score has dropped to a low rating, bill collectors are calling, his house is in foreclosure and his second car is on the verge of being repossessed. Although he's deep into the hole, he's regained his compsoure, and like a man, has begun to work on his affairs. She admires his strength, his calm and his work ethic, but thinks it best to put wedding talk into the background. Knowing he's not ready for marriage, she decides to wait for him to get his financial situation together and tells him so. Being as in love as he is, he wants to get married regardless of his situation. He tries to explain to her how things used to be and that after his slump, things will never be this desperate again. She wants to get married as well, but sees it too risky to tie the knot before viewing his progress. She expresses her desire to need a financially secure marriage while he gets upset believing that she doesn't trust him. Everytime they talk about finances and marriage, the conversation goes south. He tells her that money won't make her happy and that he needs someone who will stand by him in the good AND bad times. He's in love with her and doesn't want this to interefere with their relationship. He KNOWS that he'll be able to take care of her and a family, but she has yet to see him successfully take care of himself. Things are getting worse as emotions heighten and he thinks she's looking for a man with a lot of money. She's offended by his accusations and feels like he's calling her a gold digger. She wants to be right there and make the commitment, but realizes that no promises/vows have been exchanged. They both want to stay together knowing that this fiancial impediment will vanish as the market comes out of its recession. They believe in building worth and wealth together. There's too much love, honesty, communication, chemistry, respect and good qualities to let go. (P.S. He recently got his house out of foreclosure and has closed a respectable amount of deals in the last 2 months, so progress IS evident.)

What should they do? Should she put her faith in him and jump the broom? Should he be offended by her hesitancy? Should she be offended by his accusations? Is she making the right decision by giving him time to straighten out his matters? Is she putting too much emphasis on what he has or doesn't have?

11 comments:

T.C. said...

The two leading causes for divorce, statistically proven-unfaithfulness (cheating) and money.

With that being said clear lines and expectations should be extablished before entering into a marriage, HOWEVER, even with an understanding between the two of them, they both need to understand that things-such as a recession, job loss, emergencies (new roof needed, new car needed, etc)-come up and they both need to be flexible that that happens.

A couple of things have been stated, 1) that the market has been slow and hard hitting and 2) that she is proud of him for handling the things that come his way and his ability to rebound from the situation, ie getting his house out of foreclosure.

therefore you can see that progress on his part is being made. furthermore, it sounds like this is his first home, which can be quit a bit much to get a handle on when your finances are stable, let alone unstable to keep up with, by yourself!

As young adults i think we place to much pressure on ourselves as well as each other to just "get it right." our parents didn't get it right off the break and had to learn many lessons through trail and error.

To expect any person to be perfect financially responsible is unrealistic. It takes time, maturity and practice at budgeting to fully get it...and it sounds like he is trying.

To expect want your husband to put forth as much effort as possible to be financially sound is realistic to expect him to be perfect is not...

it also comes down to strengths and weaknesses in a relationship. If she is the more financially sound person, the maybe they need to discuss that it would be HER role in the relationship to take care of the bills and budget.

For example, my parents when they met, my dad didn't even have a bank account! he kept all his money in his house, under his bed all that.. My mom made him get one...furthermore, when they got married, she paid the bills. Every week when he got paid he gave her a deposit slip to show that he put his portion in the bank. That's all she asked him to do and she took care of the rest.

You have to know your strengths and weakness individually and work together as a TEAM to make things happen.

If she is sitting back thinking he is going to take care of it all and doesn't want to contribute then she might be a gold digger...BUT if she just wants to know that he'll be able to contribute and work with her to make it work, then she isn't...

both of them need to take themselves out of it emotionally and really be realistic about what they can offer...if she is better at bills and things, then that should be part of her role...

and they both have to be realistic and understand that things happend in life and its in standing together that they can get past those things...

I think they can work through this with a little more talking...not hurtful, but open and honest communication where they both except their faults and appreciate the gifts that they both bring to the table...

Jenn Will said...

I make no apologies for my mandate that I WILL continue to live in the manner that I have grown accustomed once married. So I sympathize with the woman's position in this situation.

Like TC said, money and adultery are the two leading causes of breaking up, so we need to figure out this money thing BEFORE we get married.

In this case he has hit a slump, which could happen to the best of us whether we are married or not. But despite his desire to get married it doesn't sound like he is in a position to get married. I mean who is going to pay for this affair? I don't think its all that realistic in this day and age to expect a woman's parents to pay for a wedding in its entirety. So, who is he anticipating will pay for the wedding if he is barely making the payments to sustain his own life?

It sounds like he needs some time. Time isn't necessarily a bad thing. Waiting isn't necessarily a bad thing. Let the market get out of the slump, let him get back on track, and then get engaged and start planning the wedding.

She is not a gold digger to want to start her married life off on secure financial footing. And in my opinion he is being unreasonable to demand that its now or never or that her motivations are anything less then pure to want to wait a while.

I mean how could she with a straight face even ask him to buy her a ring? He needs to concern himself with keeping his vehicles not spending thousands on a ring. If they were to get married now she would have to sacrifice much of what she has likely dreamed about for her wedding and engagement. He should recognize that asking her to make those kind of sacrifices could result in the kind of resentment that doesn't go away easy.

Haute Girl said...

he sounds very insecure. she needs to dump him.

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

gold digger - lol

Her Shoe Addiction said...

I like that they've talked things through or at least tempted to. Marriage is a serious commitment and getting to know a person doesnt happen over night. Only time will tell.

Wow I can't believe I stumbled over this blog. Nice work!

Tony Stringfield said...

I'd hand her a pick, shovel and hard-hat and send her out west. Let her vibe with some of the Hollywood cowboys and watch her pan for gold. Pan-handle that is. I realize love is a verb and verbs require action, however, I wouldn't marry her if she had a coochie with a gold snapper on it. He should treat her for what she is, a conniving pan-handler. ( L.M.A.O ) And as she departs to the infamous Too Short, I'd say see ya and I wouldn't want to be ya. ( L.M.A.O ) Again....

www.media2live4.blogspot.com/

The Love Collective said...

Just showing love. Great blog, btw.

http://boughettonews.blogspot.com/

THE PRINCESS "C" said...

VERY INTERESTING:

DEPENDS ON YOUR BACKGROUND, DEFINITELY NOT A GOLD DIGGER, SHE HAS NOT SOUGHT HIM OUT BECAUSE OF MONEY, BUT SHE IS SEEKING SECURITY AND THATS COMMON IN WOMEN.

WITH THE WAY I WAS RAISED, i LOOK FOR MY MAN TO LEAD ME AND GUIDE AND HE SHOULD NOT WANT TO MERGE EVERYTHING JUST YET BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO BRING STABILITY TO THE TABLE FIRST. THE FACT THAT HE IS OUT OF FORECLOSURE IS EXCELLENT, SO THERE IS POTIENTAL, BUT THEY SHOULD DEFINITELY GET MARRIED, JUST WORK TOGETHER ON PULLING HIM OUT OF DEBT (REASONABLY).

WHY MERGE INTO A MESS, HE SHOULD REPSECT THAT AND IF SHE WANTS HIM TO BE HERS SHOULD SHE SHOULD BE PATIENT AND WAIT, LET'S COMPROMISE.

Motorcycle Fairings said...

nice one! very well said!

Queni said...

Realist!!

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