I'm a single, educated, and attractive mother of a beautiful 8 year old daughter. I’ve had my share of mis-haps in the relationship department. I’ve dealt with the break ups to make ups, long-term relationships, cheating, lying and then some.
For many years – I’ve also wanted to find a SINGLE (NOT MARRIED) black man that was hard working, Christian, dependable, upright and above all things – HONEST.
Honesty is and has been very important to me. Especially when it comes to relationships. I’ve always wanted a guy to just tell me the truth. You know?
Well – what I’m going thru right now gives a true meaning to the old phrase:
Be careful what you wish or ask for…
I’m dating a SINGLE 29 year old father of 1 of one. We hit it off the first time we laid eyes on each other. We are and have been inseparable since then. We talk on the phone morn, noon, night. We make each other laugh; we’ve even supported each other thru hard times in this short dating period.
But most importantly, he seemingly has all of the qualities that I’d like to have in a mate – God fearing, Smart, honest, sensitive, funny, driven, successful business owner, hard working, great father, not to mention – he’s got a great body and is sexy as hell.
But there is one thing – He’s too honest. (Crazy right?)
The first night we talked on the phone – he told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship (neither am I? – Right? lol) and that he enjoyed being single and doing his thing.
So a couple of days later - I him asked what he meant by doing his thing – he said, “Dating whom ever I want when I want. Just being free. I know I’m not ready to be committed to one person. I’m just not ready”
So me, being the inquisitive person that I am asked, “So who are you seeing?” He responded, “Well, I still kick it with my baby mother sometimes and I have other friends that I see too”
I asked, “Are you hitting baby mother too?”
He answers, “Yes, here and there”
So I ask, being nosey “when was the last time you hit?”
Dude is like, “last Tuesday”
So of course – I’m totally blown right? LOL
Cause I don’t’ want to “knowingly” go behind anybody you know? And most importantly – I’m very competitive; I surely don’t want to be number 2 or some wack shi…like that. I want to know that I have a fair chance to lock that thang down – you feel me? Lol
But seriously – after finding that stuff out, I just can’t bring myself to move forward or get closer to him because I know he’s seeing other people. And it’s taking its toll – he knows I’m pulling away from him…and he doesn’t like it.
But I’m thinking – we as women deal with this every day. WE SHARE OUR MEN - There are thousands of guys out here that we’re dating openly and exclusively and they aren’t telling us a damn thing about what they are really doing. But your boy is being honest….you know?
I really like dude. I wanna get to know him better and he wants the same….and I also wanna give him the work (booty) lol – and I think I caught semi-feelings (well maybe its LUST, I won’t know till after I hit it…) lol
But the point is – I can’t get over the fact that I know he’s out here screwing and seeing other women? He actually told me the truth – and this is what I thought I wanted, but now I’m holding it against him.
I came to him with my concerns and he said to me– “your response is exactly why men will continue to cheat and lie for years. Ya’ll say you want an honest brother, but when we give it to your straight no chaser, you don’t like it. And then you push us away. This is exactly why we lie”
What should I do? Should I call it quits? Or how can I deal with my feelings or change my mind set to move forward with dude???
Please Help,
Ms. "Truth Hurts" - But will it set me Free?
13 comments:
WOW. He does have a point though..we want things and when we get them we still find ways to make it not right for us..sad but true.
His honesty is a breathe of fresh air I think and at least he made it clear who and what he was "doing". I mean unless things have been set in stone (you and he are together) he can date who he wants to...if you all determine that you will sleep with no one else other than one another then perhaps another convo can be generated after this one..but till then thank GOD for his honesty and enjoy the NUMEROUS things that you like about him.
I didn't know you were putting it down like this girlie...i'm really digging it and you put some powerful words down right here.
even when we dont want to hear it, the truth is the truth and we can't and shouldn't challenge it; especially when it's what we claim we want to hear in the first place.
Well, well, well---sounds like me and hip-hop...
I am currently seeing someone--whom which I know have other "dimes and lovelies" as he calls them.
I let it be known from the first time we spent time together..that I was not looking for a relationship and he replied "neither am I"...
When he expressed that he had "others" I did become a bit jealous, only because of the possible threat of competition.
The more time that we spent together as friends and the many open discussions that we shared from a male point of view and a female's point of view, in the end he choose to be with me.
Although, we are not committed to each other we are committed in our friendship. He does cherish our friendship because I allow him to be open,honest and I do not judge him. (and the fact that I had other's as well)...
Our friendship is now growing into a relationship and the others, let's just say they are just about forgotten...He said so himself, "I would rather be friends with you and chill, then to lay up in some p*ssy...I like being with you, I can be myself"
Truth be told I would take a honest man over a perfect man. In that perfect man lies a secret that may tear your world apart. at least with a honest man you don't have to worry because WHATEVER you want to know THEY will tell you!!!
.....TRUST!!!
So I say be his friend just listen and all else will fall into place.
Hiya!! First time here...You can't fault him for being honest but you can protect yourself...with condoms, etc....and you can protect your heart by not becoming too involved if you think he's not going in that same direction.
Well, my advice is probably worth about 2 cents. I am 36 years old and still learning. But the best I can say is - The man is being honest and if you can accept that type of relationship without tripping then go ahead. But you are compromising what you really want, a committed monogamous relationship (marriage). That's not what this guy wants. Don't go into this relationship with a hidden agenda (which is dishonest), trying to change him and make him into something that he does not want to be. In short, IF IT DOES NOT FIT, DON'T FORCE IT. Also, does he care if you see other people on dates or intimately? Now, I am reading through the lines here but I betcha his Baby Moma don't sleep with anyone except him and he's got that on lock. Also, I wander if the Baby Mama knows about his mess. I am not buying his complete honesty. Maybe he's just letting you know he is going to still mess with his Baby Mama, so if you see him in public or he is unavailable you won't trip. Be careful, married men act this way too, they tell the other woman that he is married, I ain't leaving her etc., but I still want you. When you catch feelings and drama erupts he kindly lets you know " I told you where you stand, don't trip". I speak from experience, except my man was not honest about how he wanted to live. Don't waste your time and don't believe that all men cheat and that you have to compromise on this one. NO ONE NEEDS THIS DRAMA and girl YOU DESERVE THE BEST.
My 2 cents.
'AIDS'....ooookkkkaaayyyy, she dropped the "A" bomb. That's it, i'm done. Now we've gotten 'medical.'
My advice to the sista: bang ol boy out. If he gives you 5 pumps and can not "re-up" within 15 minutes, don't trust him. He's dirty!
I want to share my thoughts on her situation. She really answered her own questions, He gave her all the information she needs to move forward, anybody that is sharing the truth of the affairs and wrong doing is not for you if they are doing that! He is scared from his prior relationship and using his looks, finances, and education to get him by! So she must move on and fine herself again! Before moving on with anyone else! NO one is perfect just take this as a learning experience and don't share to much of your past because it will come back to haunt you in the long run! She can be friends with him for conversations but sexually is a NO! NO! Because there is a bug out here call AIDS and it doesn't' have anyones name on it! Best Wishes in the future for you young lady. And also remember you have a daughter that needs your support and she should be first! And also, set a role model for your daughter so she will not make the same mistakes in the future. Take Care!
first and foremost...we're you being honest w/ yourself and him at the time...? i know that may seem like a silly question, but bear w/ me...
Sometimes as women we tell ourselve and the other party what we/they want to hear, not what it is...
If it bothers you, then make it plan & move on w/out him...If you can deal with it, then deal, but him continuing to sleep w/ his child's mother will lead to a snowball of issues...It sounds like he has more issue than a little bit all by himself...
THE REAL QUESTION IS: IS THIS GOD'S BEST FOR YOU..?GOD doesn't do things half-hazardly...its all or nothing baby...
Every good and every perfect gift is from God of whom there is no variableness (switchin' up) or shadows of turning!
I am gonna add my 2 cents as well. I think that if you can deal with and accept that kind of relationship, than do you but DON’T expect things to change when you catch feelings. I say “when you catch feelings” because MOST women can’t continually be intimate with a man and not catch them…not unless you have a couple of other men on the side but anything’s possible. I also don’t believe that all men cheat and have something on the side or that it is “human nature” that everyone has someone. I think you are speaking from a personal standpoint rather than keeping an open mind. I also don’t believe that he is being completely honest with you. I think it is almost naïve to think that someone is completely honest that you’ve just met not too long ago and that you really don’t know at all. It takes a long time to really get to know someone. I respect the fact that he told you he is dating, not looking for a relationship, and is still intimate with his BM but I wouldn’t say that he is being completely honest or too honest. I agree that people ask things they really don’t know the answer to. The question is, are you being honest with yourself? Do you want a committed, monogamous relationship or just sex? Do you think that you could be intimate with someone you really like and want to get to know better but keep it light? I don’t think anyone should lower there standards for any one person. There are a lot of men out here and depending on what you want, I don’t think settling is necessary. Plus it seems as if dude and his BM may have some unresolved issues. People only do what they can get away with. Everyone deserves what they want, within reason, in a committed, intimate relationship. You deserve it too but you have to be honest with what you want.
Bottom line: She said she was looking for a "SINGLE" black man. That means she's looking for someone that isn't tied down and can do what he wants. So if that's what she's really looking for, then she has to deal with all that comes with him being single. So smash him off and deal with it! If she really meant "SHE WANTED SOMEONE THAT WANTS TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP" then drop him and keep it moving. Or at least smash him off then drop him and keep it moving. You can't get all emotional with someone that told you from the jump he's single and enjoys doing his thing........duh....
WOW! I used to do people polls and make up scenarios just to get people's responses on certain issues. But anywhooo.... Here's what I think...
True - Honesty is the best policy! but you also have to be honest with yourself. You say you're not, but are you REALLY looking for a relationship? If you have issues off the break with the fact that this man is still sleeping with other women, namely his child's mother(with whom he obviously still has feelings for), it's not going to change for the better. If anything matters will only get worse because you'll constantly worry yourself about who's he with tonight, so forth and so on. And just because he's being honest (and that's an attribute you're looking for) doesn't mean he's the man for you. He's not the only honest man out there. You mentioned that you wouldn't want to be second and you shouldn't be. Don't settle!
He's being honest, yes, but is it for his own selfish reasons??? I can't knock that man for what he's doing, that's his life and it's great that he lets women know up front so they can make their own decision on how they want to handle it. But at the same time, he can't fault women if that lifestyle is not for them. And that's what he's seems to be doing. He's making you feel bad for trying to break away from something that just isn't for you. It's your decision to stop and it's your decision to want more for yourself.
You already know what you want in a man - to find a SINGLE (NOT MARRIED) black man that was hard working, Christian, dependable, upright and above all things – HONEST. Don't change what you want out of life or who you are for anyone! Keep seeking and you shall find!
This is going to be fun…can we have a hot topic once a week!!!!
Dear Ms. Truth hurts but will it set me Free?
I am confused are you looking for a friend or a relationship, if you want a friendship than do your thing and forget about Baby Mama. The relationship is relatively new. So it needs to start somewhere and it should be as friends. He is being honest and telling you what is going on and what he is going. I know you can respect that. Some can’t pursue a friendship/relationship knowing the other is also sleeping with others, if you can’t move on. There is probably more going on with Baby Mama and once you talk a little more and get a feel for what he is really like than your mind may change.
I would suggest that you not just date him…and if there is no other dude at this time don’t let him know that.
You know this is funny because we were having a conversation about relationships this weekend and I remember being single and loved it. Dating…flirting…playing men… WOW what fun. Make the single life FUN not a PURSUIT.
gemini girl is right
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